What Happened When I Told Everyone…

May 4, 2017

It was not an easy decision to post what I did in my first blog but if I am going to write about what I am passionate about from an honest place it needed to be done.   I was really worried about how people would react and I hoped people wouldn’t lose respect for me or stop coming to my classes/treatments, I wondered how many people would be comfortable talking to me about it.

 

The first step was sending the blog to my family- that was tough. I wrote the e-mail, attached it, and then hovered over the send button for a while. My heart was beating and lots of things were going through my head about how it was going to affect them and what they would say. Would they call me- what will I say? I did it I sent it and then tried to keep myself busy for a while.

 

My brother was the first person to respond- it was a relief! He said he was very proud and thought I was very brave to tell the truth. He is on a clinical psychology course so he would have been a great person to talk to about it yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I told him there were many times I thought about asking him or would ask hypothetical questions but just couldn’t bring myself to tell him the truth.

 

My mum and dad emailed me….that was the toughest one to read. They couldn’t believe it! How did they not know all this time?! They said they were feeling inadequate and felt bad for all the suffering I went through and they were unable to help me. This made me feel bad because my parents are far from inadequate! They have always been very loving and very supportive through all my adventures. I did put them through it as a child!   But I didn’t want them to know so they didn’t know. I didn’t tell them because I felt ashamed of it and I’m not sure I wanted to be stopped- what would happen if I stopped? What if I put on loads of weight again? What would people think of me then? This is what goes through your head. I felt like it was working for me until it got worse and worse but you don’t think that is going to happen to you, you think you have it all under control.

 

My sister called me…eek!! She was upset but also very supportive. She found it hard to read because she remembered how upset I was going to Evans because I couldn’t fit into any other clothes and she could relate to it in some ways. After having a really good chat with her I thought I better call my parents.

 

I spoke to my Dad first I reassured him that there was nothing they could have done, it wasn’t their fault I knew they loved me and would have supported me. He was very proud of what I was doing and thought if it helps others then great. My mum said I should have told her as she went through a similar thing as a child being overweight. She told me she always thought I was beautiful and would always love me no matter what even if I were a murderer! I remember her telling us that as a kid. Luckily I didn’t become one, well not yet anyway 😉

 

So would it have been better if I had told them all along? Who knows? If I was giving advice I would say the people closest to you are the hardest people to tell but the people that will understand you the most, maybe even relate to you as they are your own flesh and blood and may have suffered similar things without you knowing and they will support you no matter what! I do on the other hand know somebody who told there parents and got a very negative reaction and they couldn’t understand it and this made them feel bad about themselves. So go to your doctor even if you don’t think you have a big problem its better to catch it early and get counseling or therapy to help unfold the real reasons why you are feeling how you feel. You might be surprised at what comes up and how much it helps.

 

It’s easier for me to tell people now that I don’t do it anymore but you feel ashamed to admit it to people you know and you don’t want to burden them or them to think of you differently. So telling someone you don’t know who won’t judge you is the best thing. The more support you can have around you the better. Even though I don’t suffer from Bulimia anymore it took years to work through the emotional side of things and to stop taking peoples comments to heart or the wrong way about how you eat, how you look “Oh you have put on weight haven’t you!” or “You have a good appetite”.   I used to compare myself in size to everyone all the time and be jealous whenever anyone lost weight, which is just not healthy. There is always going to be people bigger than you and always people smaller than you. One person might think you are curvey one person might think you are skinny, so who is right??? You could drive yourself crazy worrying about this. You have to be happy, comfortable and confident about who you are. But this takes time and work. I use Yoga to do this and I have to do regular practice or bad thought patterns could creep back in.

 

As for everyone on facebook BIG THANKYOU!! My heart was beating even faster pressing that post button. I had some amazing comments, e-mails and messages all so supportive it was lovely reading them all and seeing who made contact, who liked it and seeing how people reacted. Some people contacted me saying they went through or are going through a similar thing. Some people I would never have guessed there was anything wrong with them just like people never guessed it with me. People have been happy to chat to me about it. It is still hard to say out loud what I did but I need to get comfortable talking about it. People are still coming to classes and treatments too, which is great J

 

For me telling everyone made me realise that it was a big deal! I actually had quite a big problem that I just brushed under the carpet and shared with very few people. I put a happy brave face on for everyone even my husband and he new. I had the rare occasions I would break down in front of him but most of the time I kept it together well. Fake it till you make it as they say! The fact that I took action and went to the doctors was the first stage of healing. When I did my Yoga course out in India loads of emotions were coming out and I didn’t know why- I thought I have a great family, a good upbringing and my problems were so small in comparison to lots of other people but the bulimia, keeping it secret, and the reasons behind why I started doing it had affected me more than I realised. It doesn’t matter how big or small you think your problems are it is how it is affecting your happiness. If it is affecting your health or happiness you need to do something about it!

 

Keep talking to me, others or professionals whoever you are comfortable with about it, it really does help!

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